The truth.

Ok.
So this one is bound to ruffle some feathers.
I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but this has GOT to come out.
This corner of the www is mine and you don't have to come back to read again if you don't want to.
I won't get my feelings hurt, promise.

About a month ago-ish I buried my grandmother.  And I loved that woman, with all my heart.  I loved all the things she did with her life.  She was a champion fighter and she fought a long hard battle.  She stayed a lot longer than I ever imagined she would and I feel like she got a whole life's worth.  She was a strong lady and I admire her wit.  She spent hours, days, weeks, and sometimes months in a hospital bed due to her illnesses.  They were plenty and enough to knock all of us down sometimes, but she fought with grace and a little bit of sass until the end.

The funeral service was lovely.  The memorial at the funeral home was lovely.  I felt as though the funeral was a lie.  The pastor rambled along about how she was a woman of God and how she showed His love and lived for Jesus.  Well folks, if she did that, I never saw it.  I never once saw His love or life in her.  I never heard her speak His name.  If we questioned her relationship with Jesus and her thoughts on heaven... it was a quick response of 'I'm a good person and I've never killed anyone, so I'm going to heaven.'

Quite frankly, that's not how it works.  Now, I cannot speak of her salvation because I was never courageous enough to ask her about it.  But I should have been.  I did not and I'm ashamed of that.

But I'll tell you something I learned while sitting in that pew in that little white church in the middle of nowhere Alabama....

I learned that when a pastor gets up at my funeral I want him to ramble about all of those things I mentioned above and I don't want ANYONE in that audience to have a doubt about what he's saying.  I want to shine so bright for the Lord that there is no question about how I feel about Him and how I display His love.  I am trembling while typing this at my computer y'all.  This is hard stuff.  To sit at your grandmother's funeral and have your heart ripped apart because God is using that woman to teach you from beyond, it is powerful.  Maybe she did know Him.  Maybe she did believe in Him and trust Him with her life, but y'all.  I never saw it.  Not in my childhood, not in my adolescence, and not as an adult.

I love that woman so much.  Her humor was perfect.  She cussed like a sailor and she was a joy to be around.  She embodied family and the glue that held it together.  Her legacy is a million miles long and I am so grateful that she was here and able to meet all my babies.  How fantastic is that?  She had 12 great grands... I think.  Forgive my math... It isn't the best.

The bottom line is that I do not want there to be a single doubt, not a tiny bit of hesitation about my life.  My words, my deeds, my songs, my work, my actions, my choices, my habits, my books, my family; my whole entire life.  I want it all to bring glory to Jesus.  And when I die and people are at my funeral (sans body--no casket for this girl) I want the truth to be so evident that nobody even needs to talk about it.  It just is.

My struggles as a Momma

Our childcare this school year has been nuts.

My parents have been amazing helpers for us since Hayes was born.

Mawmaw and Pawpaw kept Hayes at their house every day until he started at the ELC.

Then Hayes went to BeBe & PaPa'se house once he started the ELC.

He basically spent the first 3 years of his life with his grandparents and some little friends.

Elizabeth started at the ELC this year as well.

She has stayed with all the same grandparents since I had to go back to work.

I loved that arrangement.

But Dad and Sheila (Maw & Paw) moved to the lake, an hour away, to prepare for retirement.

Mom and Jack (Be & Pa) got jobs.

The nerve.

Just kidding.

But seriously, that was the deal of a lifetime and I know it.

I miss it like something fierce.

We are blessed this year with my mother in law, Anette, and her ability to help us with the babies.

Tira, Daryk's cousin, also helps with the babies.

And a former student, who is also a neighbor, Jennifer, helps too.

Huge blessing, I recognize that. 

And my kids love the arrangement as well. 

I don't worry about them at all while they are there.

They get fed well, they take naps, they play.

I know all this.

But occasionally Anette gets sick.

Or Tira is out of town.

And then we have no one.

So I get stressed out about that.

Like, beyond normal people concerned stressed out.

It makes me a little on edge.

I've been in a panic trying to plan next semester.

Anette has been sick and unable to drive much here lately.

She also went out of town for a bit.

So that means a little more work for me and some additionaly planning on my part.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm grateful.

But not having consistency and a routine I can count on makes me kinda crazy.

I debated pulling them from the ELC and sending them to a daycare, for my own sanity.

I just can't handle the chaos anymore.

I think we have a good deal worked out now and I'm very grateful for that.

God knew I needed some gentle reminders that I was making good choices as a parent.

He put a huge post it note on my morning drive today.

I know it was Him--I could feel it in my heart.

If you've never felt that, you're missing out and I'd love to share it with you.

We were listening to Christmas music and there was a song about Santa.

Away in a Manger began to play next.

Hayes: "Momma, what's this song?"

Me:  "Away in a Manger.  It's about baby Jesus and his birthday."

Hayes:  "Baby Jesus was born at Christmas, right?"

At this point I'm teary eyed and blinking very hard.

Me:  "Yes he was.  That is why we celebrate Christmas."

Hayes:  "Christmas is coming!"
Me:  "Yes it is.  We're almost to school.  You ready to get out of the car?"

Hayes:  "No Momma!  I want to listen to some more songs about Jesus."

Thank you God for showing up today and reminding me that my kids are where they are supposed to be.

I needed that post it note more than every this morning.

The struggles I have are just that, my own and not necessary because God is taking care of it all.